1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully
in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
2) Advice for the day:
If you have a lot of tension and
you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two
aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At
the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
an infant's life, she will choose to save theinfant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base."
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before
they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying
to teach you how to swim.'"
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my
God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch
of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty,
but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all theimpersonators would
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and
that's the law."
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire
you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.
What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress.. But I repeat myself."
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown
18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will
give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of
19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
Because "Mad Cow Disease"
-- Author Unknown
20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."
-- W. C. Fields
21) "You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles
a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where in the world
22) "Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having
to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're
23) "I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be.
But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We
aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." -
24) "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over
it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid
of the body before you do the wash."
25) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?"
25) "When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the
Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"
26) "Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to
accept God's final word on where your lips end."