The language folks who brought us "Ebonics," have decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington by designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

* HEIDI - noun. Greeting.
* HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, hire yew?"
* BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
* JAWJUH - noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage:"My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
* BAMMER - noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
* MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
* THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
* BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
* IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"
* RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
* ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
* FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
* TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
* TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
* RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
* FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
* RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
* FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed....mus' be from some farn country."
* DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."
* EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: "He cain't breathe....give 'im some ear!"
* BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
* JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
* HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah, haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf."
* SEED - verb, past tense of "to see".
* VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York, view?"



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