1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who
died peacefully in his
2) Advice for the day:
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for
4) "The problem with the designated driver program,
it's not a desirable
job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the
night, drop them off
at the wrong house."
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly
ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if
there is a man on base."
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job,
and we should treat it
like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you
two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they
leave you, they should
have to find you a temp."
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone
took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women
have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??
I'm halfway through my
fish burger and I realize,
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch
of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all
would be dead."
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida ,
but they turned sixty and that's
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that
in case of fire you
have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same."
16) "Suppose you were an idiot.
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
20) "Everybody's got to believe in something.