Church Bulletin Bloopers

We know what we mean, but do we always mean what we say? The pictures in our minds can easily blind us to what readers will understand from our words. By having somebody read our words before they go to print, we can save ourselves from embarrassment.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Ralph Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
     The Honeymooners are now having bile studies each Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m.
     The Over-60s Choir will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
     The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
     Our youth basketball team is back in action on Wednesday at 8:00 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
     Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Nelson’s sermons.
     A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
     Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion.
     The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth with Joy.”
     It’s Drug Awareness Week: Get involved in drugs before your children do.
     The Scripture reading today is from the Gospel according to Luck.
     The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
     Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
     Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people.
     This evening at 7:00 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
     Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 p.m. Prayer and medication to follow.
     “Wise Up, O Men of God”. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
     On a church postcard: I have received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I would like a personal call.
     The ushers will come forward and take our ties and offerings.
     The church office will be closed until opening. It will remain closed after opening. It will reopen Monday.
     This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
     The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.
     National Prayer & Fasting Conference: The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.
     Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
     During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
     The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
     Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
     Glory of God to all and peas to his people on earth.
     Don’t let worry kill you, let the Church help.
     The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
     The men’s group will hear a car talk at noon.
     Ushers will eat latecomers.
     Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
     The agenda was adopted…the minutes were approved… the financial secretary gave a grief report.
     The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
     The peace making meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
     Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I Will Not Pass This Way Again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
     Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It is a great chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.
     Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”
     Wednesday the Ladies’ Liturgy Group will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, “Put Me in My Little Bed” accompanied by the Pastor.
     The class on prophecy has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
     Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.
     We pray that our people will jumble themselves.
     Today’s Sermon: How Much Can a Man Drink? with hymns from a full choir.
     The visiting monster today is Rev. Jack Bains.
     If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request.
     Men’s Prayer Breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted.
     Our next song is “Angels We Have Heard Get High.”
     Today is the fifth Sunday of Lint.
     Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She’s used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
     For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs .
     Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
     There is a sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be baptized on the table in the foyer.
     The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.
     The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
     Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord.
     At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
     Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
     Great news! Doctors have performed a CAT scan on Pastor McLaren’s head and report that they have found nothing!
     The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
     Illiterate? Write to the church office for help.
     Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our Church and community.
     Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
     Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
     The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
     If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.
     The ushers will turn and light each worshipper in the first pew.
     The beautiful flowers on the altar this morning are to celebrate the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
     The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
     Janet Smith has volunteered to strip and refinish the communion table in the sanctuary.
     Women’s Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.
     A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.
     Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.
     Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.
     Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
     We have received word of sudden passing of Rev. Smith this morning during the worship service. Now let’s sing “Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow.”
     The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
     A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
     Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers’. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
     If you are blind or unable to understand English, please ask for assistance.
     Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
     The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
     If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.
     Announcement to the Moms Who Care ladies group: There will be no Moms who care this week.
     The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus
     When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel.
     Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
     Tuesday at 4 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
     A worm welcome to all who have come today.

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